Turkey Ninja Battalion // Official HQ

● STATUS: OPERATIONAL FILE NO. TNB-1776-Δ EYES ONLY // CAMP DISTRIBUTION

★ EST. 20XX • UNAUTHORIZED ★

Silent in the woods. Loud at the campfire.

An elite, mostly-unofficial brotherhood of camp operatives specializing in early-morning stealth, questionable beard maintenance, and the strategic deployment of smoked meats. Members only. Vibes mandatory.

Acquire Gear Read the Brief

Active Operatives

142

Campfires Lit

∞

Cups of Coffee

Regrets (Verified)

Mission Brief

We are not a club. We are a battalion.

The Turkey Ninja Battalion was forged at an undisclosed campsite during a particularly memorable trip. What began as a joke around the fire became, against all odds, a genuine fraternity of outdoorsmen committed to the highest principles of camp life.

Membership is selective. The dress code is "tactical flannel." The mission is whatever the group chat decides on Thursday.

We hunt. We cook. We argue about the right way to stack firewood. We are the Battalion.

// FIELD MEMO 0042

SUBJECT: Reconnaissance of campsite perimeter, Sector REDACTED.

At approximately 0530 hours, Operative REDACTED reported visual confirmation of a tom turkey within range of REDACTED. The rest of the unit was, regrettably, still in their bags.

Following standard protocol, coffee was deployed. Bacon followed. Morale: maximum.

Recommendation: continue the mission. Always continue the mission.

— Filed by COMMAND //
// END TRANSMISSION //

The Roster

Known Operatives

#001

File Photo

THE COLONEL

CAUSEY

Commanding Officer

Senior leadership. Maintains the cooler. The cooler is non-negotiable.

#002

File Photo

GHOST BEARD

RAY

Recon & Intel

First one up. Never explains how. We've stopped asking.

#003

File Photo

DRUMSTICK

MASON

Tactical / Harvest

Direct action specialist. If a tom is gobbling, his number gets called.

#004

File Photo

SLEEPER AGENT

NATE

Tactical Reserve

Conserves energy at all costs. Activates without warning. Pillow is government issue.

#005

File Photo

GOBBLER

TODD

Calls Specialist

Master of decoys and box calls. Has talked more turkeys into range than most have seen.

#006

[ FILE PHOTO
PENDING ]

KEYSTONE

KEYS

Quartermaster

Holds the keys, holds the line, holds the camp together. File photo classified pending submission.

Field Harvest

Weekend Kill Report

Operation: Spring Gobbler · Status: Successful

#01

GOBBLER TODD

×3

#02

GHOST BEARD RAY

×3

#03

DRUMSTICK MASON

×1

#04

SLEEPER AGENT NATE

×1

#05

THE COLONEL CAUSEY

×1

#06

KEYSTONE KEYS

×1

★ TOTAL HARVEST 10 BIRDS

FIELD NOTE: A statistically non-trivial percentage of the above harvests were achieved via tactical fan-reaper deployment. The Battalion neither confirms nor denies the dignity of the technique. The birds were reaped. The tags were filled. The fan stays in rotation.

The Code

Battalion Code of Honor

You Eat Last

Operatives serve the camp before themselves. Brothers first. Bacon second. You, eventually.
The Fire Never Dies

Whoever gets up first stokes the fire. Whoever lets it die owes the camp a story. Make it a good one.
Respect the Hunt

Take only what you'll use. Use everything you take. Tip your hat to the ones that got away.
What Happens at Camp

...stays at camp. Except the legends. The legends are mandatory listening for new recruits.
No Bad Coffee

If the coffee is bad, the day is bad. Brew it strong, brew it black, brew it for the squad.
Always Have a Plan B

And a Plan C. And a tarp. And duct tape. And one more roll of duct tape just in case.

Field Documentation

Incident Reports

For training purposes only. The Battalion does not officially acknowledge the following events occurred. Additional case files declassified upon submission of corroborating evidence.

CASE FILE 008 CONFIDENTIAL

Exhibit A

OPERATION CHAIR DOWN

OPERATIVE: GHOST BEARD LOC: HQ, Step 3 TIME: ~2300 HRS

Operative GHOST BEARD experienced a sudden and unscheduled departure from his designated camp chair. Initial reports suggest a structural failure of the chair, though witnesses on scene cannot rule out operator error. The beverage was lost. Pride was lost. Footage was acquired.

The Battalion commends the Operative for maintaining grip on his phone throughout the descent — exemplifying tactical discipline under pressure.

STATUS: RESOLVED. Operative recovered. Chair did not.

CASE FILE 011 REDACTED

[ DETAILS WITHHELD ]

Submit photographic evidence to declassify

CASE FILE 014 REDACTED

[ DETAILS WITHHELD ]

Submit photographic evidence to declassify

Field Gear

Battalion Issue

STANDARD ISSUE

The Issue Tee

Heavyweight 100% cotton. Olive drab. Full battalion crest on the chest, motto on the back.

$32

FIELD CAP

The Operator Cap

Low-profile structured cap. Embroidered TNB patch. Adjustable strap. Pairs with everything.

$28

MORALE OPS

The Command Mug

14oz ceramic. Holds enough coffee for one (1) honest opinion before sunrise.

$18

COLD WEATHER

The Bivouac Hoodie

Heavy fleece-lined. Tactical black. Big enough to fit two layers and a thermos under.

$58

Think you've got what it takes?

Enlistment in the Turkey Ninja Battalion is by referral, by initiation, and by surviving one (1) full weekend without complaining about the cot. We do not advertise. We do not respond to LinkedIn requests. But if you're reading this, maybe.

Submit Petition

We are not a club. We are a battalion.

// FIELD MEMO 0042

Known Operatives

Weekend Kill Report

Battalion Code of Honor

You Eat Last

The Fire Never Dies

Respect the Hunt

What Happens at Camp

No Bad Coffee

Always Have a Plan B

Incident Reports

OPERATION CHAIR DOWN

Battalion Issue

The Issue Tee

The Operator Cap

The Command Mug

The Bivouac Hoodie

Think you've got what it takes?